Proud “Lazy Mom” by Konnie Enos

You hear all sorts of things about bad parenting styles. Right now the biggest hype is all about “helicopter parenting”. It’s not the only one, just one you hear the most often and usually about how it’s so bad for the kids.

In fact, whenever I hear about a new “parenting style” it’s usually something pointing out how it is so wrong. The parents are doing this that or the other thing wrong. They are harming their kids in this that or the other way. Or they simply aren’t teaching their kids properly in some fashion or another.

It’s gotten so bad they even have a name for it, “mom shaming”.

You make any comment on line about how you are taking care of your family or raising your kids and someone, somewhere is going to come out of the woodwork and point out all the things you are doing so so wrong because you are not doing it how they would do it. They will even quote studies that support them in their opinions.

Unfortunately that’s how this anti-vaxer movement got so rampant. One little, completely falsified and now totally discredited study because it could not be scientifically duplicated (note: because the data was falsified) saying vaccines cause autism and all these people are now waving that one study around insisting it’s fact. And ignoring the thousands of studies which proved he’d falsified his data.

What I’m saying is for every opinion there is going to be an “article” somewhere that will agree with it. But just because the article exists doesn’t mean its fact or even that your opinion has any merit in the situation for which you are throwing it around.

Lately I’ve seen dozens of articles and comments about how our children now coming into adulthood are NOT being prepared for the real world. Most of them are complaints about how the school system here in America is failing our kids because they aren’t ready for the real world.

I have to agree. The system as it stands now is failing our kids. They aren’t doing the job of educating our future generations for the future. BUT—and this a huge one—we has the parents are failing them too. When did it become the schools job to teach our children how to do laundry and wash dishes or keep a budget? 

Someone please tell me when it became wrong for a parent to give their children chores? When did it become wrong to make a child pick up their own toys, wash dishes, do laundry or mow the lawn, or cook dinner? Are they never going to have to do those things when they become adults?

Tell me, how many of you got to the ripe old age you are now without sewing on a button, ironing a shirt, washing dishes, cooking a full meal (not just nuking a TV dinner), balancing a checkbook, filling a gas tank and changing a tire? How many of those things do you still have to do on a regular, or semi-regular basis?

Don’t you think our children need to learn them too?

I found this article on Love What Matters, a mom, Brooke Hampton, wrote about her parenting style, which she calls “lazy mom”. She also tells about how people came out of the woodwork trying to shame her for being a “bad” parent.

How is she lazy?

She gives her kids chores. In fact, her daughter does the grocery budget for their family.

Is she lazy?

Maybe.

Is her daughter learning how to budget money and do the grocery shopping for a family? YES! Is that skill she’ll need some day? I would assume even if she remains single she will have to buy herself groceries so most definitely-- YES!

My point is, while people are complaining that the school system isn’t preparing kids for the real world they are also shaming parents who are actually doing a really good job of guess what--- PREPARING THEIR KIDS FOR THE REAL WORLD!

Yes, schools could do a better job, but so could we, as a general population. I think we all need to remember that age old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Then there is the one that says something along the lines of when you are pointing fingers at others, you have three pointing back at yourself. Or something like that.

I personally am all for chores and teaching kids how to sew, cook, clean, and do their own laundry, grocery shopping, and finances.

At least I can say mine can wash their dish and clothes, and buy and cook their food. I got to be doing something right.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.

Attraction vs Love by Bonnie Le Hamilton

I was searching the web the other day for some topic or other, I was hoping to find something on writing, when I came across a headline insisting that scientists had proved love at first sight exists. Now, as a romance writer I was interested in what the article had to say, so I clicked on the link only to discover they weren’t talking about love, but rather attraction.

The whole thing was how people determine ATTRACTION a lot faster than most people think, as in milliseconds, but well, attraction isn’t love, so I’m going to have to beg to differ with them, big time.

I do agree that people determine attractiveness really fast, but attractiveness doesn’t mean love, because, let’s face it, physical attractiveness doesn’t equal a really nice guy who you can get along with for the rest of your life.

I have a line in one my unfinished stories where the heroine cautions herself saying, “Careful! Gaston was good looking too.”

And I’m right. Everyone reading this post, stop right now and think. Name someone you know of who is physically attractive but when you get to know that person they aren’t so nice down deep.

I’m stuck on Gaston because all the really good-looking guys I’ve known over the years, guys I was attracted to back in the day, they’re also nice men (some of them I’m friends with on Facebook) but well, in the long run, I don’t think I’d have been able to get along with them day in and day out. None of them have the patience Tom had, and I have to admit I’ve got a temper.

On top of that Tom wasn’t in league with the Gastons of the world. Average height, average build, light brown hair and brown eyes, nothing special in the looks department. In fact, when my roommates learned I was going to ask him out, all of them said, “Ew! Why would you want to date him?”

Number one, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend.

I invited him to dinner, because a mutual friend said he could use some cheering up, nothing more. I wasn’t planning more than just the one dinner. In fact, I was planning to be unavailable for any further dates for the week after that dinner, and to be leaving town when the week was over.

Things just didn’t turn out that way. Actually, the song “Frog Kissing” comes to mind when I think about those days. I kissed me a frog and got a prince!

In other words, I love Tom with all my heart, but he didn’t have anything to physically attract me to him, and I know the difference because I’ve had more than my fair share of crushes, including celebrity crushes, and attraction does not in any sense of the word equal love. It equals lust, but lust isn’t love! It never has been, and never will be.

So, while I have may have a hard time getting my characters to take their time and actually fall in love, I also know that they are moving too fast. I have to find the fine line between too fast and too slow in my stories, but I do realize they are going too fast evidenced in a discussion two of my characters have in one of my unfinished stories.

In that one, they are assigned to write a believable story that had them getting together the previous school year, and were now married and expecting, for their class and the two of them knew they could have teamed up for a duet in a band competition the year before so they went with that, but the heroine insisted that they absolutely could NOT kiss the first time they got together to practice because that would mean their relationship was purely physical and it was nothing to base a marriage on.

I wrote that, I know that. I just have trouble showing that on the page.

Actually, one of my stories, the one which is totally finished, I’ve had problems with critiques saying they fall in love too fast. None of those people ever seem to get the fact that my main characters aren’t human, and they pair up by forming a “connection”. I have it in the story where the hero tells his dad, “I love her,” and his dad replied, “Well, of course you do, with the connection you have no choice.”  

That’s an exact quote, yet people complain they fell in love too fast.

That’s not to say I don’t have a problem with them getting together too soon, falling in love too fast, I know I have that problem in my other stories, just not this one.

Anyway, happy writing everyone!

Manners Check by Konnie Enos

Do me a favor and just for a moment imagine, you, an altruistic person, are walking out of an office building and in front of you, aiming to go down the ramp placed there for ease of access is a young woman in a wheelchair. The only other people anywhere near you are the person you are with who is following you and another woman walking slightly in front of and to the side of the woman in the wheelchair.

The young woman in the wheelchair is self-propelling down the ramp. Yes it is a short ramp and as such you would roll down it quickly and into the road if you didn’t know what you were doing. The young woman is not in any way struggling.

What do you do?

Your choices are:

A)    Follow the young woman down the ramp while talking to your companion, possibly smile at the young woman and other woman as you move past them.

B)    Ask the young woman if she needs any help and give any assistance she says she’d be thankful for but graciously accept she doesn’t need any if she declines.

C)    Not say anything to her but grab the handles on her wheelchair to keep her from flying into the road.

Think about this for a minute. Which one would you do?

Is your answer C? Why?

Why on earth would you think it is acceptable to invade someone’s personal space without so much as a ‘by your leave’? I already said she was clearly steering herself without any problems. Why would you think she needed help?

If your answer is not C, thank you. You would not believe the number of people who think it’s okay to grab the handles on my daughter’s wheelchair, without even asking, just because they think they are helping her. Did she really look like she needed help? Just because she’s in a wheelchair?

This exact thing happened to my daughter as we were leaving a medical office building. I turned back to her to make sure she didn’t want my help and happened to notice two things. She was fine and some lady behind her was reaching for the handles on her wheelchair without letting my daughter even know she was there.

I said, “She’s fine and very independent.”

Fortunately that was enough to get the lady to back off. Though when I mentioned it to my daughter she complained about others grabbing her chair without her knowledge and consent. She pointed out others in her support groups, who are wheelchair users because of EDS or OI mentioned the issue too. Not only because it is annoying to have someone take your independence away but it had the potential to hurt them.

People with OI have fragile bone and can break them with the slightest movement. Your taking control of their chair while they are trying to steer it could break bones in their hands and arms. People with EDS can dislocate joints just as easily. The same thing applies to them.

Do you really want to hurt a complete stranger just because you THOUGT you could be helpful?

Though the one thing my daughter complained about the most was well meaning people pushing her right into walls and door jams she could have avoided on her own. If you don’t know how to safely push a wheelchair around an obstacle, then don’t! If you are a medical professional and it’s your job to push wheelchair users then I strongly suggest you learn how to steer better.

Also if you want to help someone in a wheelchair by holding a door for them, please do. It can be hard for them to open doors. But please pull the door by the handle and stand at that end, well out of the way, or your toes might get run over as the wheelchair user tries to steer into a doorway you are partially blocking by trying to push the door open near the hinge.

Yes, I have had to tell a well-meaning lady that I had the door for my daughter and to please move out of the doorway so my daughter could enter without running over her toes.

By the way, since she was clearly doing fine, B IS NOT the best answer. Only ask if they need help when it is clear they are having problems, like when they are struggling to open a door or get around another obstacle.

A is the answer. Smile, be friendly, but don’t invade their personal space.

You can read my daughter’s thoughts on this on her blog post of September 7^th on 

The Price of Genetics.

Mamma Bear rant over.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.

Pre-Nano Panic by Bonnie Le Hamilton

Yesterday morning while waiting for my ride, I spotted my first tree of the season turned to its fall splendor. That’s right folks, its fall. Meaning snow is on its way, Halloween is around the corner, then comes Thanksgiving and finally Christmas. They are not far away. And what is even closer than Thanksgiving and Christmas is the start of National Writers Month, and I’m not looking forward to it this year.

You heard me, I’m not looking forward to the writing challenge I enjoy and have aced all but twice in the years I’ve been doing it. But let’s face it, right now I have so many stories in my head I can’t figure out just one to work on.

And I haven’t managed to get much writing done in the last couple of weeks, since I’ve been having a hard time concentrating on writing, or more accurately I’m having trouble not obsessing over a plot hole in one of my stories – I can’t figure out how to fix it. And when I haven’t been pondering that problem I’ve been rereading some of my other stories and finding issues in them too.

Actually, all I have found is problems, and I have no idea how to fix them except in my sci-fi, but every time I open it, I don’t want to read it, I don’t want to work on it. I have an outline of the scenes I need to add to the middle of it; I know what I need write, but I’d rather try to get all these other stories playing in my head going, figure out the details I don’t have yet and get writing them. 

And the big issue is I really should add those scenes to the middle of what I already have on my sci-fi, so I can start writing what will be the next book of the series, preferably come November. And I have to make the changes those scenes make before I can continue with my story!

But there is that plot hole in the one I’ve been trying to rewrite for the last month or so, and those other stories I started before it, and dang, when will my mind stop coming up with new stories? I don’t think its anytime soon because I have four stories running though my mind as I try to write this post. Oh, the joys of being ADD. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, concentrating is not my strong suit.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened one manuscript or another this last couple of weeks (more often then not my sci-fi) then didn’t work on it. Okay, sometimes I spent it trying to work things out in my head, but other times I was a drawing a total blank.

A few times I opened some other story, just to distract myself, only to notice stuff needing fixed in it too. Its like nothing I have is working, all of it needs fixed in one way or another, and I’m overwhelmed.

Where do I start? Which one is most important? Do I decide by which one is the oldest? Or is it by the one which is the most done? And which one is that? For my sci-fi, I’m looking at a four-book series, but I pretty much have all of book one, except the missing scenes. One of the stories I found a problem with is totally complete, just needs editing, a major one at this point, but I have the end down.

Some of the others are barely started only a scene or two, others have way more, but still not finished. Decisions, decisions and I don’t know where to start! And does anybody know where I can get a house elf? Maybe I could get more done if I didn’t have to worry about doing my dishes, laundry, dusting, and cooking.

And Konnie is probably at this minute wondering what on earth I’m talking about, I live alone and she still has four kids at home and has all those pets. Her chores are almost never ending in her place, with the added duty of tending to their pets’ needs. When she doesn’t get any writing done, its because she’s been too busy chauffeuring her kids around town, or taking care of other household needs.

Actually, a house elf might not like being at my place – there isn’t enough to do. And they’d love being at Konnie’s place, where there is always something which needs done. Anyone else out there need a house elf?

Happy writing everyone!

Call me Grandma by Konnie Enos

Just a little bit of back story. I am an older mother. By the time my third child came along my husband’s youngest sister was already a grandmother. When I had our youngest child I was about the same age as my father had been when his first grandchild was born. I can remember taking my oldest child to a mother/daughter event at her school and figuring out I was the second oldest mother there. The oldest mother was with her youngest child. Each of the other mothers with their oldest child were younger than I’d been when I’d married their dad let alone had her.

By the time my three youngest were in middle school they were telling me about classmates, “And mom their grandparents are your age.”

It got to be a familiar phrase.

On at least two occasions I’ve had strangers assume I was the grandparent of one of my children. Once I was with my already adult middle child and that assumption was made. I know I gave the guy a scathing look because I really don’t think I look old enough to be the grandparent of an adult. Then again, people still mistake her for a middle schooler, so maybe? I do have visible gray.

Then last year my sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) called me and asked how I felt since I was now a great aunt. Please note the previously mentioned husband’s sister who has been a grandma since BEFORE our third child was born. “I hate to tell you this, but I’ve been a great aunt for years.” I did add that yes her grandchild was the first one on my side of the family, just not my first great niece or nephew. Of which I’d have to think a moment to count them all.

I’ve also got several cousins, all of them younger than I am (one of those by at least eight years) who have mentioned their grandchildren. One of my cousins, who was prolific in her own right, now has a whole passel of grandchildren. Her younger sister only had one child and she also has a grandchild already.

I know the issue is they, like so many other woman, started having their children by their early twenties and their children did the same so by the time they were in the forties they were already grandparents. (My one sister-in-law started as a teenager and so did her daughter so she was even younger.) So the fact that I was pushing thirty when I had my first child and had my other four children while I was in my thirties has always meant I would be an older grandparent.

I want to be a grandma. I’ve talked about it so much over the years to the point of eventually annoying my three daughters. Mind you, my oldest has only been married for a year and the other two aren’t dating. Neither son is dating either but then the youngest is still in high school and I think the oldest is dead set against any of us having anything to say about who he dates so he’s waiting until he moves out.

But really I’ve wanted grandchildren, and great-grandchildren since I was in my twenties. You see way back then my older sister had a baby and went to a family gathering where our mother, and her mother, and Grandma’s father were all present. Count it up, that’s five generations. Ever since I’ve wanted to be in a five generation picture.

Great-Grandpa died when I was twenty-seven. (I got married at twenty-eight.)

Mom died eleven years ago and Grandma five. Dad and his parents and grandparents are all dead now too. It’s not better on my husband’s side of the family.

The only way I’m going to be in a five generation picture is if I’m the great-great grandparent in it.

I don’t want just grandbabies here! Get a move on kids. I ain’t getting any younger.

At this rate we’ll be throwing a bash for my 100^th birthday before I get my picture.

Though I am apparently one step closer to my goal.

I can now officially add Grandma to my titles.

My lovely daughter and her wonderful husband are expecting baby number one in March!

They’re taking baby name suggestions and her being a Harry Potter fan went over well. I may well end up with a grandson named after the Wesley twins. (I am fine with this idea.)

And, no we don’t know the gender yet.

Can you tell I’m grinning?

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.

Giving by Bonnie Le Hamilton

Hurricanes, lava flows, mudslides, flash floods, earthquakes, drought, sinkholes, tornadoes, and wildfires. Of these, the only things I haven’t heard of lately are earthquakes, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t happened, because no matter where you look there is some natural disaster happening somewhere.

And I could go into writing mode right now and talk about how writers should take advantage of these things and write them into our stories, but I’ve already done that. I have a story which starts with a whole lot of mudslides, which I know I’ve made a blog post about in the past.

But right now, I’m going to talk about dealing with these in real life.

I know lots of people, myself included, who are dealing with the smoke from these wildfires all over the northwest. I have a Facebook friend who has posted several pictures over the last few weeks about the smoke in her area, and like I said, I’m suffering too. This past Friday they issued a health advisory because of it, telling people with heart conditions or chronic lung issues to stay indoors; needless to say, I wasn’t able to attend church this past weekend. I do have a couple of air filter/purifiers but the smoke was overpowering them Saturday night, by Sunday I was experiencing shortness of breath and chest discomfort, thankfully, it didn’t get any worse than that, but I wasn’t about to exert myself in those conditions.

And at least I haven’t lost anything, like so many others have, and whole towns have been evacuated in some areas.

A cold front moved in Monday, and I’m hoping rain will fall where the fires are; there are several in this part of the state. Except that isn’t everywhere that its needed; there are fires which have been burning for weeks, and may burn for months, especially in California, and I don’t think they’ve gotten any rain.

Too many have lost everything, with still more fires threatening homes and businesses. Around here they’re hoping to at least get containment with a little help from Mother Nature this week.

Anyway, disasters happen, and from what I’ve been seeing they are happening more and more frequently. And more and more often, people need help because they have nothing but the clothes on their back. They have no clean water, no power, no home, no extra clothes, no food; people out there need help, and they need help now.

And I know this is going to be our life for the foreseeable future, this is why the leaders of my church have been telling people to have food storage, and 72-hour kits – to be prepared. Though that isn’t always easy, and sometime those floods and mudslides and such can take even that away. There are some things you can’t plan for.

That’s when charities are needed. I know there are tons of donation drives right after a disaster, but I don’t think that’s enough, especially since I don’t have that much to spare. It’s just a few dollars each month so I’ve started donating to my chosen charity monthly − every little bit helps, it all adds up, plus, I know when any major disaster strikes, my chosen charity will have funds to go help, because I’m not the only one donating regularly. I just hope and pray more people find it in their hearts to find a charity they like and trust (one where the majority of the donations goes to those in need instead of paying the salaries of those running it), and they don’t wait for a call for help, but donate a little each payday.

Think about it, if you get paid weekly, and donate just a dollar per paycheck, that’s $52 a year. Those of you who are barely making it, why not try like a dollar a month? How hard is $12 a year? Not much individually, but what if everyone you know does the same? It starts adding up pretty fast. With enough donations, a charity can all but move mountains. Or maybe they do – they move mountains of donated material.

And I know some of you are thinking it’s better to donate things, but is it really? There’s been a campaign on TV lately to get people to donate money, not water, clothes, or food, because money is faster and easier to ship, they can electronically send the money to their workers closest to the disaster, they then buy the exact supplies needed and transport them only a few miles into the spot, nothing needs to be shipped across continents or across the world. Easier, simpler, better. So, I challenge you to start donating to your favorite charity every payday, like I do.

Happy writing everyone and stay safe out there.

There is a Season by Konnie Enos

Today, our Sunday school lesson was on Ecclesiastes. To start the class the teacher played “Turn, Turn, Turn” by The Byrds. I won’t try to quote the whole thing but go read Ecclesiastes 3:1-11. Then listen to the Byrds song. Turn, Turn, Turn

Between both of those I remembered a book I read years ago when I was maybe thirteen, “A Time to Love, A Time to Mourn” by Paige Dixon. You’ll cry, but you really should read it, great story.

Then I remembered a conversation last week with some ladies we go to church with. Last Sunday she was mentioning the recent marriage of her next to youngest son. She also, not too long ago announced her only daughter giving her a grandchild. The thing is her youngest son is about nine years younger than his next youngest sibling and he is only in middle school right now.

I asked her and she confirmed, all of her other children are now married and except for the one newly married they all have at least one child. One of the other ladies there commented she’d be an empty nester if not for her surprise baby.

Then I went home and was scrolling through Facebook. I happened to see a post by one of my cousins many children congratulating her and her husband on all their years of marriage. It included pictures, of my cousin, her husband, their children and all their grandchildren (counted seventeen). She has at least one still in high school and she once mentioned her younger kids going to school with some of her older grandchildren.

My cousin, like the lady at church, is in about her mid-fifties and still not an empty nester. Only my cousin doesn’t have any nine year age gaps between any of her kids.

Then there is me and my husband.

My prolific cousin is younger than I am by a couple of years and my five children were all born within the span of a decade. (My oldest will soon be 27 and my youngest turned 17 just a few months ago.)

In case anybody hasn’t counted recently, I’m far from an empty nest.

Of my four adult children only the oldest, the nearly 27 year old has moved out. She is in fact, as of this month, married for a full year now.

My second child moved out briefly but health issues forced her to move back home and she has been unable to move out or otherwise take care of herself, at least financially, since. She is hoping and praying to find the means to move out, preferably soon, but it hasn’t happened yet.

My next to the youngest, who turned eighteen just before last Christmas, insists he and his best friend are going to move in together just as soon as they both find full-time jobs and they can find an apartment. The job issue is holding things up at the moment.

My youngest son? One, he isn’t an adult yet. Two, he insists he’s never moving out. (Autism spectrum, he hates change.)

The only other child we’ve got is my youngest daughter. Starting in high school she began telling us her plans for college. At first she was saying she would move off to college right out of high school, but as she investigated her options she decided it would be cheaper to live here and start at the local community college.

She’ll graduate next May.

She’s been saying since she started at this college she’d move out and on to where she plans to continue her education as soon as she finishes here. HOWEVER, she has also, on occasion mentioned the possibility of getting her bachelor’s degree locally and still live at home for two more years. She hasn’t said she’d for sure be staying for quite some time but until she actually settles on a university, there is still the possibility. (After all we do have universities and four year colleges here.)

This all brings me to something my husband said the other day. “We could be empty nesters in the next year.”

After considering everything I just stated I concluded: Only if the three with plans to move out don’t have those plans thrown awry or they never come to fruition because, two, you never know what surprises life is going to hand you. AND three, if the one not planning to move out actually changes his mind OR we move out.

And then in my mind I heard. “To everything there is a season, Turn, Turn, Turn…”

Kind of funny that very song would be played as part of our very next Sunday school lesson.

Now tell me why I chose a fiddler on a roof for the picture for this post.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.