Of Full Bladders and such Emergencies by Konnie Enos

 Okay, I have to pee.

For me, the sudden urge to pee is an emergency. I absolutely must propel myself onto my feet and make my way to the bathroom, and the toilet. I must lift the toilet lid, and drop my pants, and do it all before I have pee going down my leg.

Considering it is only a matter of a few yards between where I sit while on my computer and the actual seat I need to aim for, one would think it is a simple matter to get that far without accidents.

Not so.

Let’s start with actually getting up off my bed.

First, I must get my computer and any other items in front of or near me out of the way. This is generally accomplished by me shoving this away. Quick and efficient. When possible. Sometimes I have to, as quickly as possible, put things away. Or at least some semblance of a way so they aren’t in my way and won’t get lost.

Next, I must swing my legs off the side of the bed. Now if I could do this without much bending of my knees it would also be simple, but usually, I have to bend at least my right knee nearly as far as it is possible to go. This is my worst knee and it often protests such abuse.

Now that my legs are off the side of the bed, sliding off the bed so my feet are actually touching the ground is easy.

With my feet planted on the ground, I’m mostly standing but I still have to straighten up and turn to face the bathroom. This generally requires some extra support. In my case, grabbing the handles on my closet.

Once I am standing and propelling in the right direction, I can usually make it that far without support at a nice slow shuffle. If my classmates back in high school could see me walking around now they would wonder what happened to the girl they jokingly called “Speedy Gonzales”. I mean we had five minutes to get between classes and I didn’t want to be late. I was often the first one to class.

I’m also fortunate that there is ready support for the whole trip if I need it.

Now at the bathroom door, I have the obstacles the closed bathroom door, or the child safety gate up, sometimes both. Hopefully, the doors not shut because someone is in there.

Now opening the door (as long as it isn’t locked) is not difficult.

The gate is another matter.

As a general rule adults can easily step over it. Partly because of my height, partly my weight, and mostly my arthritis, such an attempt would not be fast, easy, or graceful.

 Getting it out of my way as quickly as possible is my only option. Then I shuffle another yard or so to have to tackle the lid.

You see we have animals. Toilet lids are kept down in our house.

Luckily, I’m short so it’s not too difficult for me to reach.

Probably the easiest part of the trip, right up there with getting my pants off and sitting down.

The issue is, on my good days this takes me at least 30 seconds, some days it’s a minute or two. The major problem with this is that as soon as I start moving my body said, “oh good, we can empty the bladder now.”

You’ll find women of a certain age, particularly those who’ve had a baby, or two, bouncing on their bladder for a few months, have great difficulty controlling the flow. It’s worse for those who pushed said babies out.

I’m of that certain age and I’ve pushed five babies out, thank you.

Add arthritis making moving difficult and I’m having regular accidents.

I know this is a common problem.

How do I know?

Because if it wasn’t such a common problem companies like Poise and Depend wouldn’t be in business.

If not for those nice, extremely absorbent pads, designed for just this type of issue, I’d never make it past the foot of my bed without leaving a trail.

So instead I have to laugh.

Oh, the joys of motherhood and being a senior citizen. Though I shall continue to fight that last one because 60 ain’t old and I ain’t 60 just yet.

For those wondering. My eye is healing nicely and I can see again.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.