The Stims by Konnie Enos

I honestly thought I knew what stimming was, but when my daughter started talking about it to me not long ago I found I was somewhat clueless.

You see, I can remember seeing shows where the young autistic boy was sitting and rocking or repeatedly flipping his hands back and forth. I knew people said that was stimming. I didn’t know it was only part of the picture and I should have because I have one child for sure one the spectrum and we suspect two of his now adult sisters as well. However none of them have ever done the “classical” stimming behavior.

So what is stimming?

Stimming is self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds.

From what I learned, nearly everybody stims in some way at some time. Biting nails, twirling their hair around a finger, drumming fingers, repeatedly tapping a pen or pencil, or constantly humming. Any habit your do to relieve tension, boredom or stress, often when you’re not aware you’re even doing it is stimming.

Usually our stimming behavior is not only harmless, but we can pick up on social cues when it’s annoying others, such as when we are drumming our fingers, and manage to stop. People with Autism don’t always pick up on the social cues and can’t easily stop because they use it to help process their environment in a way they can handle.

Remember I said my children don’t do the “classical” stimming behaviors. Well they have done things that are considered stimming behavior.

At one point my son was pulling out his hair to the point he had bald spots. My one daughter, among other things, bites her nails.

My youngest daughter, the one who brought this topic up? Well in this household we call our hallway hers. If she is home and not in her room studying or the kitchen cooking or eating then you’d better be cautious entering the hallway because she might plow into you. It’s a safe bet she’s there alternating between pacing, running and SKIPPING, up and down it, repeatedly, for hours sometimes.

As I stated, most people stim to relieve stress or boredom. There is the general belief those with Autism use stimming to decrease sensory over load, adapt to an unfamiliar environment, reduce anxiety, calm themselves, vent frustration, and/or avoid certain activities. My daughter says it helps her process information, in other words, her brain works differently. Which is the point. Autistic brains are wired differently, so they process stimulus differently.

Though why my daughter brought it up was because some people advocate the idea of stopping ALL stimming in those with Autism. I’m assuming the people who support this position feel stimming is a purely Autistic behavior and it sets these people apart from normal people and therefore to help them ‘fit in’ they have to stop the stimming.

When she mentioned this, along with a clear description of everything which constitutes stimming I had a very clear vision of me, as a young girl repeating a self-soothing behavior, one I did often without even thinking about it. My father detested me doing this and bopped me on the head, telling me to stop.

Guess what getting bopped on the head did to me.

That’s right. It stressed me out.

So my immediate response was wanting to do the very thing my father did NOT want me to do. In the end I usually left the room so he couldn’t see me. So he only got me to stop it in his presence.

I know Autistic people are wired differently but I simply can’t imagine forcing them to stop is going to have the desired effect any more than it worked on me. Plus I can’t fathom why you even need to unless their behavior is actually harmful to themselves or others or in some cases, IF they are high enough functioning to understand, when it is annoying to those around them. (That constant tapping or drumming can get on your nerves.)

When my son started giving himself bald in spots we shaved his head and pretty much kept it shaved for years. Now those bald spots have grown back and he seems to have outgrown that particular stim. We’ve encouraged my daughter in her efforts to stop biting her nails because she will chew them until she bleeds. Both these stims are self-harming.

Our youngest daughter?

We just tell anyone who visits to be careful in the hallway. It might be a bit annoying to have her going up and down the hall all the time, but she isn’t hurting anybody and we can all live with it.

Sometimes the best way to help people ‘fit in’ is to accept them just as they are. April is Autism awareness month, let’s spread the acceptance and love.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.

Time Crunch by Bonnie Le Hamilton

I’m not usually the one scrambling for a last-minute post, but this week has been hectic, at least for me. I know Konnie will say differently. Actually, I should have tried to write something on Monday as soon as my sister-in-law’s appointment got changed from Monday afternoon to this morning, but I drew a complete blank.

And I did try to write something yesterday. I started something, but that was before I got the news that one of our aunts had died. I had thought my day was going badly when I learned there was a school bond vote yesterday. One more thing to add to my already long “To Do” list. And yes, I know Konnie’s is way longer than mine, but you have to realize she doesn’t live alone – I do.

And with the death of our aunt, I have one more thing to add to my “To Do” list, the only thing is that lately whenever something comes up, something else has to go. Right now, I’m looking at the possibility of a funeral to attend on Saturday, and I already had four things listed on my calendar for Saturday, so something is going to have to go, I just hope I won’t have to choose between the funeral and the groundbreaking ceremony for the Pocatello LDS temple. Everything else on my calendar for Saturday isn’t important. I can miss them.

Priorities here. Clearly something as momentous as finally having a temple here in my home town is important, but so is family. At least both are right here in my home town. Konnie on the other hand is in Vegas, too far away to able to make it to the funeral because of distance and lack of money. Her “To Do” list hasn’t changed because of this death. She’s already expressed her condolences.

But see Vegas is a very long drive away from Pocatello where we’re from. Where the majority of our family is. I live where we grew up, and where a great many of our family still live.

When our grandmother on that side died, Konnie couldn’t make it. I lived just outside of town. The only family funerals I’ve missed recently, I missed because I was without transportation. I have a car now, which is why I’m in this spot.

It doesn’t help any that my sister-in-law was supposed to have her appointment on Monday, but she wasn’t feeling well, so it got rescheduled for this morning. Now it’s snowing – hard. So now something else has to be moved around.

I’m not having a good week here and mother nature isn’t helping. I had my regular doctor’s appointment yesterday, and there wasn’t any snow in the valley, now its blizzard conditions. What a difference a day makes.

Anyway, we all know sometimes things come up. Sometimes plans have to be changed, and there are always a few things that can’t be predicted or planned ahead for, and we all have to muddle through trying to adjust, I’m just wishing it wouldn’t happen so many times in the same week, and its only Wednesday!

But it sure gives me some ideas for a story, or two, on how to make things worse for my characters. Ain’t life grand?

To be honest, I rather not have so much happen all at once. Too stressful, but having one thing taken off my calendar for today helps. It just would have been better if that one thing hadn’t been moved from Monday. Now my “To Do” list for tomorrow just got longer, and I’m expecting company for dinner tomorrow.

And life just keeps throwing me curveballs.

Anyway, Happy writing everyone!

Mom Mode, Again by Konnie Enos

This is a busy mom three days.

My daughter needed to get to her classes by 6:00 A.M. Monday morning. This means I have to be up at five, get dressed and pretty much run out the door. I barely managed to remember to rouse my youngest son to remind him if he needed clean clothes for school he’d have to get up and deal with it.

After taking my daughter to school, I arrived home in time to get me breakfast, re-wake up my son because he still had to get to school, and feed all the dogs.

Then I had an appointment to get to which took all morning. When I got home it was getting lunch then doing the first of the month grocery shopping. By the time I had everything finished, it was well after dinner time.

I tried to do some first of the month paperwork but fell asleep before I could.

Rinse repeat.

My daughter still had to be out the door and too school by 6:00 A.M. I again barely remembered to even say anything to my son and totally forgot to turn off his fan which means he may have looked at me but he really didn’t wake up.

When I got home he was actually awake. Thankfully, though he was wondering why no one woke him up.

I fixed my breakfast and fed the dogs then set back to work on the first of the month paperwork. I actually had nothing else planned for the day. I might have been fine if mail and emails hadn’t brought a few problems my way. I worked on things all day.

After getting children home from school and eating dinner and finally getting bills paid, yeah, I sat down to work on my post.

By then it had to be after 9:00 P.M. I kid you not, I must have fallen asleep with my hands on the keyboard. The next thing I knew my dear husband was moving my computer off my lap and clearing the other things I’d had on the bed around me off of it. I’m sure it was late because he crawled into bed right after that.

I was so asleep I didn’t think about the post I still needed to write. I didn’t even check to see if my phone or tablet needed charged. I didn’t take one last trip to the bathroom. I just continued sleeping.

I woke up this morning to a very full bladder.

I knew my daughter was again up because her smallest dog was already in my bed. She wasn’t, however, in the bathroom. I hurried. By the time I came out, my alarm was going off, so time to get dressed anyway.

I turn of my alarm and see I really should have checked my phone last night because it is all but dead, like only 3% left. Not good. I need my phone. I put it on the charger.

Then I remembered its Wednesday.

No, I wasn’t thinking about my post. I was thinking about the fact my son wasn’t up yet and though I had reminded him yesterday I sincerely doubted he’d remembered it was garbage day. I woke up my husband letting him know I didn’t think anyone remembered to take the cans to the curb last night.

By then I noticed my daughter wasn’t coming out of her room.

She finally opened her door. “Mom are you up?”

“Yes.”

“Can you help me? I’m running behind.”

I walk over to her room. She hasn’t even begun to braid her hair yet. “Crap.” I really don’t feel like braiding her hair.

Fortunately she can handle it she just needs me to deal with some pet care while she does.

Anyway, while helping her, I nearly forgot to rouse my son, again, but we somehow managed to get out the door on time. Even better, that major accident on Southbound 95 right at the bowl, wasn’t blocking us too much from getting to where we needed to be.

The only thing I didn’t manage was write my post before I got back from taking my daughter to school this morning. Now I’m the one running behind.

Good thing I have nothing else scheduled today.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.

Logic by Bonnie Le Hamilton

“We are resolved to be logical.”

Who do you think of when you hear that line? Spock? Well it isn’t a quote from Star Trek, it’s a quote from Caligula. “Logic” is a word Spock used a lot, but not that exact quote. How do I know this? Simple. I read about it in a book titled, “I Am Not Spock” by none other than Leonard Nimoy. At one point I had that section of his book memorized which included that line, for a dramatic reading, let alone that I have three seasons of the original series of Star Trek on DVD, so I do know what I’m talking about.

And why am I bringing that up now? Because of Konnie’s post last week about being logical. You see it felt weird to have the twin who has always gotten the jokes, and laughed a lot at not only my inability to get the jokes but at me whenever I tried to explain why a joke didn’t make sense – why it wasn’t logical.

Yeah, you got it, I’m the logical twin. Always have been. Getting me to laugh is like pulling teeth to the point that I have one friend who would crow for weeks every time he managed to get me to laugh just once. I generally don’t get jokes, but I’m also the first one to say they go right over my head.

Actually, I was once heard to say, “They go right over my head and land on Konnie.” You see, I’m just a wee bit taller than her. 😊

But as for the riddle Konnie mentioned last week, well I heard that one years ago, and from the first time I heard it, I knew the best action would be to let his friend take the old lady to the hospital in his car while he sat and chatted with the girl. I know that’s the logical action, but I never considered that to be “thinking outside the box”. Or that such thinking was logical.  

Growing up, thinking outside the box made you eccentric and even idiotic, but certainly not logical. Thinking outside the box is what “strange ducks” did. As a teen the eccentric characters were the “Flower Children” advanced to middle age, but not grown up.

And when did eccentric become logical?

Not that I’m saying Konnie is wrong. I personally see writing as thinking “outside” the box, as well as being logical. It has to be, because while we write fiction, we also have to make it believable, or in other words logical.

If B is going to happen in the story, then there has to be a logical reason for A to respond that way, or it won’t be believable. Everything we do as writers hinges on logic, even if what we are writing only exists outside the bounds of reality.

I consider contemplating “What if” to be a logical thing to do, even if its outside the box. I actually once read of a truck driver who did some “What if” thinking and come up with plans he’d execute if a certain scenario happened.

One of the events he contemplated was an earthquake while he was driving over a bridge or overpass, sending him sailing over the edge, and what he would do if it happened. Well, it did happen and he didn’t need to think, just react in the manner he’d always told himself he’d respond, and it saved his life.

Thinking outside the box is logical and even smart. Right now, I’m not sure why it was ever considered otherwise.

Happy writing everyone!

Out of the Box Thinking by Konnie Enos

I once saw a post on Facebook about a man interviewing another man for a job. He posed a question for the prospective employee and based on his answer he’d know what kind of man he was.

The question went something like this: It’s a stormy day and you are driving along and see three people waiting in the rain for a bus. One is an old lady is who clearly very ill. One is an old friend of yours who once saved your life and the last one is the person of your dreams. Your car is only a two-seater. Who do you offer a ride to?

Of course the employer expected the young man to say one of three things.

You could offer the ride to the person of your dreams giving you the opportunity to talk, though this choice leaves a poor impression. It’s selfish.

You could give the ride to your old friend. Paying back an old friend at the expense of a sick old lady? Again, this wouldn’t give a good impression, and that’s not even counting missing out on talking to the person of your dreams.

The most logical is to give the sick old lady a ride. This gives the best impression. You’re being altruistic. One could assume your old friend would understand. Maybe he’d put in a good word for you.

I posed this question to my two daughters (at home) and my oldest son.

My son was all for giving his friend the ride. He even gave same sound reasons for this. I really wasn’t surprised considering how close he is to his best friend.

Both daughters were all for giving the old lady the ride. Again they had sound reasons for their answer and honestly I wasn’t all that surprised. After all both girls have health issues and have had to deal with some less than altruistic attitudes.

I had paused the video to ask them so after getting their answers I went back to Facebook to see if it said what the young man’s answer was or it defined what each possible answer said about you. I was understandably curious, mostly because I had come up with a different answer than my children had.

The rest of the video only went on to say that the young man surprised his potential employer with his answer.

Why? Because, he’d apparently come up with the same answer I did.

He thought outside the box.

He gave his car keys to his altruistic friend so he could drive the sick old lady to the hospital while he stayed behind to talk to the person of his dreams.

For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why that wasn’t the logical answer.

There were two seats in the car. The fastest easiest way to help the most people was to give his keys to his altruistic friend. Even if the third person hadn’t been the person of his dreams, it was still the most logical answer. It helped the greatest number of people, and he knew and could trust his friend to do the right thing.

So apparently, thinking things through logically can help you think outside the box.

Or maybe I pulled that off because I know how to solve the riddle of getting the bag of grain, the chicken, and the fox across the river in one small boat that will only hold you and two others, not all three. But you can’t leave the chicken alone with the grain or the fox alone with the chicken.

Considering how often people are now talking about “thinking outside the box” I’m now wondering if the real issue is too few people are actually using their heads and thinking things through logically.

I do realize that some solutions to problems mean coming at them from an unconventional angle, but I don’t see how that can’t be a logical tangent.

I’ve heard of at least two different people who have utilized what is relatively new 3D printing technology in an effort to help a loved one and ended up creating a new company. One that is using those 3D printers to make personalized products. One company makes prosthetics (I saw hands, but they may also do legs) and another makes leg braces. Both do their work to help children.

Two different men, with a bit of knowledge in an unrelated field, had a similar problem and came to an unconventional, yet logical conclusion. The result was they were able to solve their problem and help other people with the same issue.

Solving a problem sure help Alexander Graham Bell. Look were it got us today.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.

Wishes VS Reality by Bonnie Le Hamilton

Do you remember making wishing on the first star of the night? I do. I also remember watching The Jetsons and wishing Rosy really existed; actually, I still do. She could do the dishes, laundry, and vacuuming while I write or do crafts.

There just isn’t enough time in a day to do everything, ever, that is truer now that I have a car again. 

The thing is I can remember back before the accident when I wished I didn’t have such a full plate and could stay home for days on end. Back then a whole week without having to go anywhere beyond church on Sunday sounded like a good thing, until I got it. Now I’m back to wishing I could stay home but I have places to go and things to do.

As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. Or maybe its something like the grass is always greener on the other side. None of us know how good we’ve got it until we don’t have it anymore. 

There are advantages, and disadvantages to having a car. Would I trade that freedom for being able to stay home every day? I don’t think so.

It’s a pain to have try and find rides to do simple things like run to the store. And its annoying when you can’t help your loved ones because you have no way to get to them, but I still wish I had a “Rosy” to do the chores.

Then again, if I had a robotic maid, I’d probably end up having to do regular maintenance on her. There are always drawbacks and no one can know what those drawbacks are until they actually have to deal with them.

The same goes with having a pet. I sometimes miss the companionship of a cat. I love cats, I hate cleaning litter boxes. Which is why I don’t have a cat. Too much work, I’d rather not. But that’s a drawback I do know. I’ve had cats in the past. I honestly should have realized the ramifications of not having a car before I wished for that, because, after all, I’ve been car-less before.

I was without transportation from the time I left home for college until I got married three years later let alone the years where I couldn’t drive. I honestly should have considered the ramifications. I missed out on a few things I wanted to do simply because I had no way to get there, but I did have more time to write. What’s more important? Freedom to go places or freedom to stay home and write?

As a writer, it should be freedom to stay home, but if that is your life day in and day out, it gets old fast. Even writer’s need interaction with other people once in a while. Just not every day of the week.

And its not like the weather is cooperating.

At one point this last few weeks, I was glad I had such a big (high off the ground) vehicle, because the amount of snow that used mean I couldn’t get out of my driveway, doesn’t even faze this thing. It’ll drive right over it. Problem is, that makes the driveway hard packed, and slippery.

Yeah, I slipped on my driveway the other day.

I also have to deal with clearing the snow off my car, which isn’t easy considering I’m so short, and it’s so big. Another thing I honestly should have considered before I bought it. I had to go out and find a window scraper with a long telescoping handle, because I simply couldn’t reach enough of the windshield without it.

You would think a writer would be able to do bit of “What if” thinking and figure out these things before they got in too deep.

But do any of us ever see all the possible scenarios to what we’re wishing for? I’d say, I don’t think so, but I know for a fact there are a lot of stories which started with, “What if”.

It’s done all the time, and I’m told several of the better thriller or sci-fi movies were started this way, and I’ve heard a few comedies started with the premise, what can go wrong will go wrong. Life is like that − our stories should be too.

Life isn’t always sunshine and roses, and our stories would be boring if we wrote them that way. Mistakes happen, things don’t always go as planned, and the grass isn’t really greener on the other side of the fence.

Those of us on the outside looking in, can’t possibly see what’s really going on. That immaculate lawn may be hiding a man who beats his wife for spilling a little milk.

Happy writing everyone.

Age is in the Eye of the Beholder by Konnie Enos

On Facebook there have been these posts going around for at least a couple of years now saying “Never have I ever” then lists several things you’re supposed to count whether or not you’ve done them. The lists could be things like gone a cruise, played golf or ridden in limo. Some people wondered if miniature golf counted as playing golf. I personally had to scan my memory to see if I’d ever built a fire or ridden in a limo.

But one of the past ones which got me thinking was “lied about my age”.

You’re not supposed to ask a woman, especially a ‘mature’ woman, her age, and I’m old enough now to be considered senior woman. Though I’m generally fairly frank about my age and I always have been. But while I was thinking I’ve never lied about my age I remembered one incidence.

I had to have been twelve, thirteen at the oldest. Bonnie and I and our older sister went to the theater together. I wasn’t really paying attention as our sister paid for our tickets but I found out later we had more money than expected for treats. Why?

I think my sister realized it at the time she paid though didn’t correct the ticket seller. We were charged for two adult tickets and one child ticket.

I was utterly confused. Bonnie and I are identical, and our sister was taller than us, clearly older.

But then my sisters pointed out a few things about how I appeared compared to them.

Both my sisters were wearing at least some makeup, while I wasn't. Not tons, but enough to know it was there. It was also clear both girls weren’t flat chested. And though our older sister was the only one over five foot tall (not by much), Bonnie was close enough and her heels put her over.

I’m the shortest of the three of us and was wearing tennis shoes. Plus, since it was a slightly cool day I was wearing my sweater, which was a poncho style. (This was the 70’s so it was popular back then.) This effectively hid the fact I was as well-endowed as Bonnie. 

However I think the one thing that really made them think I was a younger girl was my hairstyle.

Both my sisters kept their hair fairly short and by then our older sister may have had hers permed in an afro (popular back then). Bonnie’s would have been bobbed about shoulder length.

I kept my hair long. And since I’d had no one to show me how to put it up, I generally could only do ponytails, pigtails and maybe simple braids. I’m fairly certain my waist length hair was in pigtails that day.

Not that it was the only time someone has assumed I was younger than I am.

One time I was talking to a lady I knew at church and mentioned that most people I knew at church who had kids around the same ages as mine were ten years younger than I was. She pointed out that she was the same age as another lady we went to church with who did have kids around the same ages as mine, stating their age. Which, coincidentally was ten years younger than I was.

I simply said, “Told you.”

Her jaw about hit the floor.

Which is why I have never felt the need to lie about my age, people are usually off anyway.

On the flip side I have had occasions when people have assumed I was the grandparent of my youngest son and youngest daughter.

Admittedly I do have a smattering of gray hair now, most of it on the underside of my hair. However, I generally keep my still long hair bound up in a ponytail so what gray I do have is visible. Also admittedly, all three of my youngest children have told me they have classmates/friends whose grandparents are my age.

I can see it since my own father was in his mid to late thirties when he had his first grandchild and that’s about how old I was when I had my three youngest. In fact, my husband’s great-niece is actually older than our youngest daughter by several months. Meaning his youngest sister was a grandparent before our third child was born.

Of course that just reminds of when my sister-in-law called to tell me her first grandchild had been born. She asked me how it felt to be a great aunt finally.

I cracked up. I have several of great nieces and nephews now. Though all on my husband’s side. So far only the one on my side however.

Smile. Make the day a brighter day.